Standing Still

 A sense of accomplishment. That's what I felt at the end of this run yesterday. A sense of closure, even. A big fat "phew!".

This pas Fall, I began a workout program designed to get me to a 5km run. I spent at least an hour a day doing strength training followed by a 20 minute run with intervals. At the end of the program, I was to run a 5km. Oh, how I prepared! I was diligent in my training and pushing myself past my limits, proud of the progress I was making. I even downloaded music on my phone so that I would have a playlist for my big day (something I never, ever do). I took care to do the stretches and take my rest days so that my body would be able to do the distance easily. I mean, this wasn't my first rodeo. I've done plenty of 10km runs, two half-marathons and regular strength training for years. Hell, I even went so far as to start meditating and visualizing this run. This was going to be a no-brainer.

The day was fast approaching and the weather in Calgary was rapidly declining. I thought, whatever. Of course I was going to run in the nastiness that Calgary was going to throw my way. I've run in worse conditions, I've been out at the butt-crack of dawn to run 5km before my workday in 25 degrees below. I'm used to the wind hitting my face, I've got the gear to protect me. I was ready.

Was I going too far for a little 5km? Was I overthinking the process? Maybe, but I gave this goal a lot of my time, energy and effort. I wanted, no, I needed a goal. A goal to occupy my time and my mind. An attainable goal that would make me feel that I was doing something for me, but also a way for me to model for my kids what it looks like to work toward something they want.

So, this goal became important, for all of those reasons. I have to admit that I wanted to prove to myself that I could still pull it off, at my age, after several years of not running regularly. I wanted to see myself capable of anything. I keep saying to my kids that they can do anything, be anything, if they just put their minds to it. I couldn't possibly be telling them a lie, could I? Nah, I could do this.

One cold day in November, I geared up and left the house, playlist at the ready, fully stretched and mentally prepared.

And it was a raging blizzard outside.

I mean, wind and cold temperature. Snow coming in sideways, but not just snow, a kind of rain/snow that feels like hail when it hits the face. Not another soul could be found outside in that weather. I was the only crazy person around.

Still, that couldn't stop me. I started running, slowly but surely. My pace was slower than usual, but hey, whose wouldn't be slower in that crap? Off I went into that storm, feet pounding the pavement to the rythym of the music in my ears. Until...

Well, my body had other ideas for that day. My body didn't really feel like running, I guess. At about kilometer 3, my body started shouting at me, telling me that it was time to stop. My mind couldn't overpower my body, there was no mind over matter happening that day. It was time to call it quits.

Seriously? Give up? No way!

So, continue I did. Until my body became the boss of me. It said, "No more." Simply that. No more. And so, I found my way home and ended the run at 4.33km. Today was not going to be the day.

I shrugged it off and said to my self, and anyone else who might be listening, that I was proud and that I had accomplished great things already. But in my heart I knew I hadn't finished. I knew that my goal had not been reached, and that hurt. That just didn't sit well with me, but I put on the brave face and continued on with life. I mean, it was just a 5km...

Yesterday, I realized that it was way more than just a 5km run. It was a goal that I had set for myself and that I had worked hard for, that I had prepared so carefully. And yesterday was the day it finally happened. And I felt that sense of accomplishment. And more. I felt complete. I felt closure. I could put that goal behind me and set another. I realized, too, that not only can plans go awry, but so can goals. I didn't really have to pursue the same goal. And in fact, I hadn't set out to do that when I left the house after work yesterday. I told my husband that I would be back in twenty minutes, after about 3.5-4km. There was no specific goal that I had in mind in terms of distance or time. I just needed to breathe fresh air and move. That was an easy objective and accomplished as soon as I walked out the front door. But when it was all said and done, I had run 5km with ease. Is it because I hadn't set this as my objective? Is it because I had other things on my mind and this run was therapeutic so I just went with it? Whatever the reason, in the end I felt great. Better than great... I felt like I had just gone back in time to right a wrong.

I guess what's really important is that I did something hard and I felt good about myself afterwards. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? Isn't that why we set goals? Isn't the process just as important as the goal itself? 

What I can be sure of is that I learned through all of this, and I grew. I'm not standing still.