Walking a Tight Rope
The courageous conversation, the difficult discussion, the hard talk... Whatever you want to call it, I hate it. Passionately. In public, in private, personally, professionally, the mere thought of confronting someone sends a tsunami raging through my brain and gets my stomach tied up in a swirling tornado. Ugh.
Growing up, I did not learn how to stand up and say what needed to be said. Instead, I learned how to say what people wanted to hear and appease them for the time being. I discovered ways of getting around the issue or avoiding it altogether. I became adept at observing, keeping my opinions to myself and using words very, very carefully. Good qualities to have, sure, but not always the best way to go in every situation.
While I was doing my graduate certificate through a local university, I discovered that this was a skill that I could learn. Perfect, since I love learning new things. The professor was just the right kind of encouraging, and my classmates were ultra supportive. I threw myself into that particular project like no other. I knew I needed to be successful, not for the marks I would get, but for me and my own personal growth. In my career, I knew that possession of this skill could make or break me further down the line. I thank that professor everyday for having guided me in that process.
And yet, here I am, further along in my career, having taken big risks to be where I am, and not really feeling very brave. Sure, I've made progress in this area of my life (being in my forties helps, a lot!), but I still have a long way to go. I am often amazed at how some of my younger colleagues have the chutzpah that they do, how they say exactly what is on their minds. I admire that quality and wish that I had a bit of that in me, too. Yet I remain scared and rooted to the spot. Like in a horror movie, where we can see what's coming but the actor is caught like a deer in the headlights while we yell at the screen "Run, fight back, do something!". They say that the brain's first reaction to a life-threatening situation is to either fight, flight or freeze. I think my brain is really grounded in the "freeze". But I ask myself constantly, "Why? What am I afraid of?".
I have plenty of answers for that one, including: I could hurt someone's feelings, someone might be angry with me, I could be fired, etc. One wrong step, and I may fall into the obscur abyss. The problem is, this isn't very rational since all of those things can occur if I keep my mouth shut. It is all that goes left unsaid in my silence that scares me now. It is this new fear that has me back to the drawing board. It looks like I need to relearn how to have those courageous conversations and work on perfecting the art. With some time, I know that I will be able to build some muscle memory so that I feel more confident going in, as if I have a sort of safety net to fall back on while I walk that tight rope.
Growing up, I did not learn how to stand up and say what needed to be said. Instead, I learned how to say what people wanted to hear and appease them for the time being. I discovered ways of getting around the issue or avoiding it altogether. I became adept at observing, keeping my opinions to myself and using words very, very carefully. Good qualities to have, sure, but not always the best way to go in every situation.
While I was doing my graduate certificate through a local university, I discovered that this was a skill that I could learn. Perfect, since I love learning new things. The professor was just the right kind of encouraging, and my classmates were ultra supportive. I threw myself into that particular project like no other. I knew I needed to be successful, not for the marks I would get, but for me and my own personal growth. In my career, I knew that possession of this skill could make or break me further down the line. I thank that professor everyday for having guided me in that process.
And yet, here I am, further along in my career, having taken big risks to be where I am, and not really feeling very brave. Sure, I've made progress in this area of my life (being in my forties helps, a lot!), but I still have a long way to go. I am often amazed at how some of my younger colleagues have the chutzpah that they do, how they say exactly what is on their minds. I admire that quality and wish that I had a bit of that in me, too. Yet I remain scared and rooted to the spot. Like in a horror movie, where we can see what's coming but the actor is caught like a deer in the headlights while we yell at the screen "Run, fight back, do something!". They say that the brain's first reaction to a life-threatening situation is to either fight, flight or freeze. I think my brain is really grounded in the "freeze". But I ask myself constantly, "Why? What am I afraid of?".
I have plenty of answers for that one, including: I could hurt someone's feelings, someone might be angry with me, I could be fired, etc. One wrong step, and I may fall into the obscur abyss. The problem is, this isn't very rational since all of those things can occur if I keep my mouth shut. It is all that goes left unsaid in my silence that scares me now. It is this new fear that has me back to the drawing board. It looks like I need to relearn how to have those courageous conversations and work on perfecting the art. With some time, I know that I will be able to build some muscle memory so that I feel more confident going in, as if I have a sort of safety net to fall back on while I walk that tight rope.
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